Forgiveness for Healing: Must You Forgive Your Abuser to Move On?

The Power of Forgiveness in Healing

A few months ago, I was listening to a Manifestation Babe podcast episode about forgiveness as a way to free yourself. (As a sidenote, this is a great podcast! I love her work!) My ADHD brain tends to wander, and that day it took me from thinking about those parents of murder victims who somehow find it within themselves to forgive the murderer – a concept I struggled to comprehend – to reflecting on my own trauma.

The thought of forgiving my “not so” great uncle, who stole my innocence and exposed me to unimaginable experiences as a child, surfaced in my mind. I had always been resolute about never forgiving him for the physical and, even worse, the mental pain he caused. Yet, as I continued to listen to the podcast, my thoughts evolved. I found myself questioning – wasn’t I working on my growth mindset every day? Trying to reframe limiting beliefs and letting go of the past? Shouldn’t I let go of this anger and resentment too?

But the very idea of forgiving him triggered a visceral reaction in me. I felt my whole body tense up, I was holding my breath, and then anxiety and panic set in. It made me realize that I was hanging on to this pain for some reason. But why? How was it serving me? What did I have to gain by holding onto it? Wasn’t I trying to shed it once and for all?

The Dilemma of Letting Go: Confronting Past Traumas

This inner turmoil sparked a desire in me to talk it out, to get some perspective. So, I started with my mom. My mother, a protective force, immediately said she could never forgive him. I expected that. But as I explained my reasoning, hoping she’d see the bigger, spiritual picture, she remained unmoved. Her reaction sparked doubt in me.

Then there was my husband, who’s been with me through every high and low for the past 25 years. He’s seen firsthand the aftermath of what my uncle did to me. I wondered, what did he think about this idea of me forgiving the man who caused so much damage? So, I shared my mom’s reaction with him and waited for his response, half expecting him to dismiss it or offer immediate support but he didn’t. His expression told me he was really thinking about it and not sure how he felt.

These reactions from the two people I trusted most made me pause. They didn’t outright oppose the idea, but they certainly didn’t embrace it either. It was like they were holding up a mirror, showing me a reflection of my own doubts and uncertainties about forgiveness and what it really meant for me.

The Ceremony Concept: Writing a Letter to My Past

Amidst all these conflicting thoughts and conversations, I came up with what I thought was a profound idea: a ceremony to finally confront and potentially forgive my uncle. The plan was simple but powerful. I would write a letter to him, allowing my 11-year-old self to say everything she never had the bravery to express. Then, as the adult I am now, I would add my own words, my own closure, and end it with forgiveness.

I found out where he was buried and imagined myself standing over his grave, reading the letter out loud, forgiving him, and walking away, leaving his lingering energy and the pain behind, once and for all. In my mind, this ceremony was more than just an act of forgiveness; it was a symbol of my intention to free myself from the chains of his actions. I had even made peace with the idea that forgiving someone for yourself doesn’t mean excusing what they did.

But when I shared this plan with others, I was met with unexpected challenges and perspectives. Each reaction I received added another layer of complexity to what I initially thought was a straightforward path to emotional liberation. It made me wonder if I was perhaps missing something in my understanding of what it truly means to forgive and let go.

Reactions and Revelations: Therapy and Family Insights

With my ceremony idea taking shape in my mind, I decided to bring it up in my next therapy session. I’ve been doing telehealth sessions with my therapist for over two years, and by now, I’m pretty familiar with her reactions. So, when I excitedly shared my plan, expecting her usual supportive enthusiasm, her response caught me off guard. She listened intently, her expression a mix of understanding and contemplation, but not the outright endorsement I was anticipating.

After detailing the ceremony and my conversations with my mom and husband, her response was thoughtful yet unexpected. “You don’t HAVE to forgive him to be free,” she said. That statement hit me differently. It wasn’t a directive; it was a gentle reminder that forgiveness, in the traditional sense, wasn’t the only path to healing. I could still go through with the letter, give my inner child a voice, say what I needed to say, and then just leave it all there, unburdened, without necessarily forgiving him. This alternative perspective from someone whose insights I deeply valued made me reconsider the entire concept of forgiveness in my healing journey.

It was a little surprising to hear these varied reactions, not just from my family but also from my therapist. None of them were upset or dismissive; they were just offering different viewpoints. It made me pause and wonder – was I too fixated on the idea of forgiveness as the only way to heal? Their insights encouraged me to look at my feelings and choices from a fresh angle, considering what truly mattered for my emotional well-being.

An Unexpected Alternative: Guidance from a Spiritual Healer

This journey of introspection led me to a unique encounter that further shaped my perspective. Following a conversation about energy healers with a dear friend, I decided to visit the spiritual healer my friend recommended. She was described as a “bruja” from generations of “brujas,” and something about that intrigued me. When I walked into her metaphysical shop, I immediately sensed it was a place of deep spiritual knowledge and practice.

As I spoke with her about my journey, and of creating Manifest HERstory, the conversation landed on the planned ceremony at my uncle’s grave. Her reaction matched the response I had gotten from others. She asked if I still felt I needed to go through with it, since I had made the decision to do it. I told her I’m having a hard time sitting down to write the letter. Her suggestion was radically different: a ceremony at the ocean. She proposed bringing the letter or pictures, burning them on the beach, and then burying the ashes where the water meets the sand, allowing the ocean to wash it all away.

This idea resonated with me on a level I hadn’t expected. It was about creating a ceremony that was solely for me, not tied to him or his actions. It was a powerful realization – I didn’t need to do anything for him. And I did not need to go to him, ever again. He was gone, and this journey was about me reclaiming my power, not giving him any more of it. This conversation opened my eyes to an alternative way of releasing the past, one that felt more aligned with my path to healing and liberation.

Embracing My Path: The Decision to Trust My Feelings

Reflecting on the insights shared by the spiritual healer, as well as the advice from my family and therapist, has turned my thoughts around, again. The ceremony I had in mind, though significant, perhaps isn’t quite right for me. So, I’m trying something I’ve had hard time doing my entire life, trusting myself and my own intuition.

This feeling is liberating. Whether I choose to forgive or not isn’t the defining factor of my freedom from the past. It’s about making choices that resonate with my true self, choices that bring me peace and closure in a way that honors my journey.

“You don’t HAVE to forgive him to be free.”

Finding Freedom Without Forgiveness

As I stand now, reflecting on my journey, I realize that I’m still on the fence about forgiving my uncle. But what has become clear is that all the universe and my spirit guides seem to be steering me away from traditional forgiveness. I’ve chosen to trust in this guidance, putting my faith in the journey itself rather than a specific outcome.

Looking back, every conversation, every reaction, and every piece of advice has been a stepping stone towards a deeper understanding of myself and my healing process. It’s not just about forgiving or not forgiving; it’s about finding our own way to release the past and reclaim our full selves and power.

So, to anyone reading this and contemplating their own journey of healing, I ask you: Have you forgiven those who caused you trauma? Could you? Would you? And if this is the first time you’ve ever thought about it, how are you feeling right now? I’d love to open this discussion up to thoughts on forgiving those who caused us so much harm. Remember, it’s not about forgiving their actions and excusing them. It’s about finding a path to free yourself. And as my story shows, forgiveness is not the only way to achieve that freedom.

Healing is a deeply personal journey, and each of us must find the path that resonates with our soul. It’s about making choices that bring us peace, understanding, and, ultimately, a sense of liberation from the burdens of our past.